you just might find, you get what you need..

You Cant Always Get What You Want

 

Just took my nightly meds (Klonipin 3mg, Lithium 900 mg, Lutuda 120 mg, Ambien 10 mg, Lipitor 40 mg, Plavix 75 mg, Tylenol PM and some I can’t remember along with a glass of Merlot. I tell you it’s the ultimate night night cocktail and I would know after a lifetime of insomnia. Latuda is like nothing I’ve ever taken. For the first time ever I’m falling asleep early, like 9:30 – 10:30pm, but I’m waking up wide awake at 3 to 4 am. Used to be I wouldn’t fall asleep until 3 to 4 am and sleep like a rock till noon.

Anyways I just washed down all my meds and Merlot while watching Season 1 Ep 1 of Californication.

Now we all know that The X files are David Duchovny’s best work but I must say the pilot episode of Californication is a fucking classic. It even starts out with my favorite song by my favorite band. I swear if the first 10 minutes doesn’t put a smile on your face your either clinically depressed or you should join a nunnery and or monastery.

 

Saw my psychiatrist today

I saw my psychiatrist today. I see her every 30 days now. She again raised my anti-psychotic (Latuda) dosage. She has gradually raised by 40 mg every month since she started me at 20 mg a few months ago. Last night I took 80 mg and its still ok. No noticeable side effects, no blunting. The maximum FDA allowed Latuda dosage is 120 mg. Today my psychiatrist raised my Latuda dosage to 120 mg. She told to call if I noticed any problems or side effects. I noticed one very troubling side effect of the 120 mg today already and I haven’t even taken one. When I went to the pharmacy they told my Latuda copay was going to be $80.00. Damn plus six or seven other meds I get filled there that are 5 to 10 dollars each. Thank God Lithium is only $4.00 because I’ll probably never come off of that.

I also asked her,my psychiatrist, if she knew of any good private mental health facilities of hospitals in Georgia. She told me I could probably find my answers with Google. I see her again in 30 days.

On a lighter note..I’m looking forward to my NAMI meeting tonight. They are my friends and kindred spirits and I’m on the board:. )

Now a little bit about my previous post:

I got my dad’s electrician to come over a couple of days ago. He couldn’t get lights to work either and while he couldn’t find a shortage he also told that he didn’t see anything out of place or unusual there and probably the light kit had gone bad. So he installed a whole new light kit and the lights work perfectly now. So I guess that mystery will go unsolved or until something else happens.

What do you do when there’s no light at the end or anywhere in the tunnel?

Yesterday I noticed the overhead light in my computer room/media room/my nap and chill out place room was no longer working. It holds three ceiling fan sized bulbs and I had just replaced two of them with brand new ones I got at Home Depot about two months ago. Strange I thought that they all three bulbs would go out at the exact same time. Still I tried to do what normal people do and I went to my Home Depot leftover package that still had two new unused bulbs and screwed them in. Nothing. Nata. Now the ceiling fan is getting ample power. The fan still spins at low, medium or high speeds just fine. Then I got to thinking. Thinking of something I’d read back in 2000 when I thought people were watching me. I did lots web searches about this back then and to be honest some still here in 2015. Ceiling fans are often a favorite place monitoring devices are placed, hidden. Think I’m crazy? You’re probably right, in fact you are right but watch some episodes of Homeland season 1. Don’t all critics go on about how Homeland so perfectly mirrors modern events? Didn’t season 1 win like all the awards? Anyways when Saul orders Carrie to remove the illegal wire taps and bugs from Brody’s home her tech removes one from the ceiling fan. Now fast forward to this current season 5 of Homeland. They order a sweep of the CIA’s German offices for bugs or taps and one of the first places they start looking is yep you got it the ceiling fan.

But you ask..Who, What, Where and Why?

Well I have my theories. There is a certain element who probably see me as a bounty.

From Dictionary.com

Rogue defined:

noun

1.

a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.

2.

a playfully mischievous person; scamp:

The youngest boys are little rogues.

3.

a tramp or vagabond.

 

Put it like this, I don’t think it’s number 2 there.

The Value of Education

At my new really small part time job where the toughest part is having to wake up while its still AM, I work for my dad. I’ve also developed a friendly rapport with one of our repair men. He’s a good bit younger than me and isn’t as skill as our senior repair man but he does ok. We always joke around and I’d told him about my condition and status early on but I could tell he really didn’t get it. He told me one day he used to know someone who was “polar depressed” so he knew about it. I smiled and said “yes I can see that you do.”

This past week he quipped that “lets not do anything stressful.” I knew what he meant and that he was only joking around still I turned on a dime and took a more serious tone in my reply.

I told him: ”Got that right. Don’t underestimate bipolar and any other mental disorder. Before I got treated for bipolar in 2001 I had for months called the FBI offices in Atlanta and Washington DC. Mostly the Atlanta office. I was on a first name basis with a lady agent in Atlanta. She was always friendly to me. I mailed and faxed them letters too. I was convinced they were investigating me. They wrote back every time and told me that I wasn’t and never had been under investigation. Not kidding, it’s all true.”

For about 30 minutes he fell silent. “Nothing to say huh?” I asked. To which he said that when we have time he needs to get his phone turned back on. “Ok” I said.

Return to Me

Have you ever seen Return to Me? Bonnie Hunt directed and stars in it. So does David Duchovny. It’s one of Wendy and I favorites. It’s so innocent it could be on the Hallmark channel. You could let first graders watch it still I loved it.  I’ll always remember it because I was re-watching it on dvd one morning about 15 years ago. It was about 9am and I was alone and unaware of the world outside, We lived in an upstairs apartment then and our daughter was still a toddler though Wendy never left her with me. “What if you have another episode” She’d say. So she dropped her off at her mother’s house every morning leaving me alone for the day. I’d only been diagnosed bipolar 6 months earlier and my schizoaffective diagnosis and first bottle of antipyschotics would come a month or so after that day. Anyways the TV series that David Duchovny starred in was probably my favorite which is why I rented the movie he starred in loved it and was re-watching it  when Wendy called me from work and told me to turn the DVD off and to turn the TV on. That morning was September 11th 2001. I spent the next three days watching a real life X-file. One that still impacts so much off what we do today. Anyways I really recommend “Return to Me,” named after a Dean Martin song, if you need to return to a more innocent time.

Tonight’s NAMI Meeting

I am behind on blogging my NAMI experiences. I still have to talk about our State Conference and the Transforming to Wellness Conference a week or two after that. I procrastinate when it comes to using my keyboard for anything other than gaming or celebrity’s boobs. For email I mostly use my iPhone. I wonder if Siri can take dictation. As you may or may not know May is Mental Health Awareness month. We’ve worked NAMI booths at the hospital, Miller-Coors beer plant and other locations. There I think that list all the events and conferences I am behind on blogging about but I’m not catching them up tonight. No tonight I want to talk about the significance of this evening’s NAMI meeting. You see the way it works is at the start of each meeting the entire group is together for either a guest speaker or just a short series of announcements. After that we break into two separate groups. BTW theres a reason I’m explaining this as you shall soon see. Ok the two groups are: Family to Family support group and the Peer to Peer support group. I am in the Peer to Peer as its for people with a diagnosed mental illness. Family to Family group is for relatives and caregivers of someone with a mental illness. Why this matters to me tonight is this evening for the first time ever my wife,Wendy, accompanied me to the NAMI meeting and she sat with the relatives and caregivers group. Approximately two hours later my Peer to Peer group wrapped up and I went next door to find Wendy. She was wiping away tears as she had shared what it was like being a bipolar’s spouse. She also joined NAMI tonight though I’m sure she won’t be as active as I am. That’s ok. Tonight was a good night for me.

more NAMI

Got the email today. I’m an official member of NAMI and of course its website. They asked me to follow them on twitter but I don’t have a twitter and not sure I want one. Not sure I want an app blowing up my cellphone every 30 seconds. Oh well plenty of time to decide. Workout at the gym was nice again tonight. After my evening meds I think I will sleep well tonight. For a change.

Peace

Sweat baby!

Restarted at the YMCA last night. Felt sooo good to workout again. I can’t wait to go back tonight. I had let my membership drop when started back playing WoW. The good thing is I only played or been away for approx six months so I remembered most everyone at the gym. My wife who never stopped going to the gym worked out beside me last night. Yea I know sweet. Went to the store today to get the foods I was eating back then too. Nothing complicated just the good fibers (beans, almonds) apples and turkey. I like to eat an apple on the way the to the gym. I try to time it that I finish the apple as we are pulling into the Y’s parking lot. That way 20- 25 minutes into my workout the extra carbs will kick in. I also used to talk walks before on trails nearby. I plan to restart that soon. The experts say these activities help my bipolar. Well while I place more faith in experts who actually have bipolar like Kaye Jamison..let’s hope they’re right.