I am a minority. I have been since the day I entered this life. I’m schizoaffective which less than 1% of the world could relate to. The largest minority group in this country is the ADA. We have and still have so much to overcome. God knows it’s not easy but as a Board Member of NAMI at least I’m trying.
Just took my nightly meds (Klonipin 3mg, Lithium 900 mg, Lutuda 120 mg, Ambien 10 mg, Lipitor 40 mg, Plavix 75 mg, Tylenol PM and some I can’t remember along with a glass of Merlot. I tell you it’s the ultimate night night cocktail and I would know after a lifetime of insomnia. Latuda is like nothing I’ve ever taken. For the first time ever I’m falling asleep early, like 9:30 – 10:30pm, but I’m waking up wide awake at 3 to 4 am. Used to be I wouldn’t fall asleep until 3 to 4 am and sleep like a rock till noon.
Anyways I just washed down all my meds and Merlot while watching Season 1 Ep 1 of Californication.
Now we all know that The X files are David Duchovny’s best work but I must say the pilot episode of Californication is a fucking classic. It even starts out with my favorite song by my favorite band. I swear if the first 10 minutes doesn’t put a smile on your face your either clinically depressed or you should join a nunnery and or monastery.
I saw my psychiatrist today. I see her every 30 days now. She again raised my anti-psychotic (Latuda) dosage. She has gradually raised by 40 mg every month since she started me at 20 mg a few months ago. Last night I took 80 mg and its still ok. No noticeable side effects, no blunting. The maximum FDA allowed Latuda dosage is 120 mg. Today my psychiatrist raised my Latuda dosage to 120 mg. She told to call if I noticed any problems or side effects. I noticed one very troubling side effect of the 120 mg today already and I haven’t even taken one. When I went to the pharmacy they told my Latuda copay was going to be $80.00. Damn plus six or seven other meds I get filled there that are 5 to 10 dollars each. Thank God Lithium is only $4.00 because I’ll probably never come off of that.
I also asked her,my psychiatrist, if she knew of any good private mental health facilities of hospitals in Georgia. She told me I could probably find my answers with Google. I see her again in 30 days.
On a lighter note..I’m looking forward to my NAMI meeting tonight. They are my friends and kindred spirits and I’m on the board:. )
Now a little bit about my previous post:
I got my dad’s electrician to come over a couple of days ago. He couldn’t get lights to work either and while he couldn’t find a shortage he also told that he didn’t see anything out of place or unusual there and probably the light kit had gone bad. So he installed a whole new light kit and the lights work perfectly now. So I guess that mystery will go unsolved or until something else happens.
Yesterday I noticed the overhead light in my computer room/media room/my nap and chill out place room was no longer working. It holds three ceiling fan sized bulbs and I had just replaced two of them with brand new ones I got at Home Depot about two months ago. Strange I thought that they all three bulbs would go out at the exact same time. Still I tried to do what normal people do and I went to my Home Depot leftover package that still had two new unused bulbs and screwed them in. Nothing. Nata. Now the ceiling fan is getting ample power. The fan still spins at low, medium or high speeds just fine. Then I got to thinking. Thinking of something I’d read back in 2000 when I thought people were watching me. I did lots web searches about this back then and to be honest some still here in 2015. Ceiling fans are often a favorite place monitoring devices are placed, hidden. Think I’m crazy? You’re probably right, in fact you are right but watch some episodes of Homeland season 1. Don’t all critics go on about how Homeland so perfectly mirrors modern events? Didn’t season 1 win like all the awards? Anyways when Saul orders Carrie to remove the illegal wire taps and bugs from Brody’s home her tech removes one from the ceiling fan. Now fast forward to this current season 5 of Homeland. They order a sweep of the CIA’s German offices for bugs or taps and one of the first places they start looking is yep you got it the ceiling fan.
But you ask..Who, What, Where and Why?
Well I have my theories. There is a certain element who probably see me as a bounty.
a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.
a playfully mischievous person; scamp:
The youngest boys are little rogues.
a tramp or vagabond.
Put it like this, I don’t think it’s number 2 there.
Friends can marginalize you. Make you feel small. If they do they probably were never really that good of a friend anyway. So fuck em. Who needs friends like that. They probably were never even worthy of being friends with you in the first place.
At my new really small part time job where the toughest part is having to wake up while its still AM, I work for my dad. I’ve also developed a friendly rapport with one of our repair men. He’s a good bit younger than me and isn’t as skill as our senior repair man but he does ok. We always joke around and I’d told him about my condition and status early on but I could tell he really didn’t get it. He told me one day he used to know someone who was “polar depressed” so he knew about it. I smiled and said “yes I can see that you do.”
This past week he quipped that “lets not do anything stressful.” I knew what he meant and that he was only joking around still I turned on a dime and took a more serious tone in my reply.
I told him: ”Got that right. Don’t underestimate bipolar and any other mental disorder. Before I got treated for bipolar in 2001 I had for months called the FBI offices in Atlanta and Washington DC. Mostly the Atlanta office. I was on a first name basis with a lady agent in Atlanta. She was always friendly to me. I mailed and faxed them letters too. I was convinced they were investigating me. They wrote back every time and told me that I wasn’t and never had been under investigation. Not kidding, it’s all true.”
For about 30 minutes he fell silent. “Nothing to say huh?” I asked. To which he said that when we have time he needs to get his phone turned back on. “Ok” I said.
Have you ever seen Return to Me? Bonnie Hunt directed and stars in it. So does David Duchovny. It’s one of Wendy and I favorites. It’s so innocent it could be on the Hallmark channel. You could let first graders watch it still I loved it. I’ll always remember it because I was re-watching it on dvd one morning about 15 years ago. It was about 9am and I was alone and unaware of the world outside, We lived in an upstairs apartment then and our daughter was still a toddler though Wendy never left her with me. “What if you have another episode” She’d say. So she dropped her off at her mother’s house every morning leaving me alone for the day. I’d only been diagnosed bipolar 6 months earlier and my schizoaffective diagnosis and first bottle of antipyschotics would come a month or so after that day. Anyways the TV series that David Duchovny starred in was probably my favorite which is why I rented the movie he starred in loved it and was re-watching it when Wendy called me from work and told me to turn the DVD off and to turn the TV on. That morning was September 11th 2001. I spent the next three days watching a real life X-file. One that still impacts so much off what we do today. Anyways I really recommend “Return to Me,” named after a Dean Martin song, if you need to return to a more innocent time.